If your baby sleeps easily and even through the night – then this article isn’t for you! You are free to sigh in relief, practice gratitude and maybe pay it forward a little by helping a fellow mom in need .
But if like many parents, you are struggling with one of the basic functions of life, that is sleep, then read on.
Sleep is one of the most common challenges for young families. We know that babies are supposed to sleep for up to 18 hours of the day in the beginning, and for at least 11-14 hours over the first few years. It makes one think - if babies need so many hours of sleep, why is it so difficult for poor parents to get even part of the sleep they need? You may be wondering how the phrase “to sleep like a baby” ever came about as your baby certainly didn’t get the memo!
Each baby and family will have a different sleep journey, but we can all learn some basics that apply to all of us.
Humans need sleep! Without it we suffer physically, cognitively, psychologically, and socially. Sleep deprivation can be one of the toughest parts of being a new parent and can leave us feeling desperate for a solution.
If you are feeling at the end of your tether, it’s important to take some immediate steps to protect your own wellbeing. This may look different for everyone, but the first thing is to reach out and get some help. You may want to call on your partner, another family member, a friend you trust or a health care professional like your midwife or GP. Do what works for you right now, so that you can feel a bit better and plan for the long term. Trying to make good decisions when you are exhausted is hard. Remember, even just one good night’s rest can reset your whole perspective.
There are some basic principles that we can all be aware of that help sleep patterns get established.
Having a bedtime routine that follows a similar pattern every night e.g. feed, bath, story/song, bed. Same time, same place, same routine. It’s boring and can feel restrictive, but the rhythm and repetition is soothing and familiar for little ones, and a way of training the brain as to what to expect and what to associate with sleep time.
Remember the 80/20 rule in life – be flexible when needed but try to stick to the program for 80% of the time.
Think of the sensory profile of your baby – are they sensitive to sound, to light, to movement? Do they need a soothing massage after the bath, or some swaddling, shushing and rocking? Too much bright lights and busyness can be overstimulating, take a moment to look at a book together and what about some soothing lavender or white noise in the background? Remember, if it calms you down that will help the process.
As you get to recognise your baby’s signals, you will pick up the subtle signs that they are getting tired. There are the obvious ones like yawning and crying. But also look out for when they get irritable, turn their face away, get more twitchy and startle, or even get the hiccups or spit up. They may rub their face or suck on their fists. If you tune in and prioritise helping sleep happen at those times, it can make for an easier transition at bedtime. Think of sleep as a wave we can catch: if we know what to look for, we can be ready to ride the sleep wave. It’s easy in a busy day to miss the boat and end up with an overtired baby who paradoxically takes longer to get to sleep.
Sleep is like food for the brain: you wouldn’t take your baby’s food away before they were finished, so don’t disturb a sleeping baby except for something urgent or when unavoidable. Working with the rhythms of the brain will mean your baby is in a less stressed state, which will lead to easier transitions from wake to sleep.
Every family develops their own rituals and habits that work for them. Parenting in the early years is very demanding, as the learning curve is so steep. This can be especially true for sleep, which keeps changing with the different stages and situations. But it is worth putting in the effort to establish healthy sleep patterns from the beginning.
Babies signal their distress through crying. If we their carers don’t respond, they learn that no one is coming to help them and they are on their own, which for any human is a scary experience. Babies who learn that they can trust that their needs will be heard, and responded to, develop a more secure relationship with the world and the people in it.
The message we send when we ignore babies’ distress leads to a sense of hopelessness and despair – this is when the baby eventually stops crying, it gives up trying to get help. The nervous system goes into stress and the baby’s coping method is to shut down and try and keep safe. Eventually this can lead to sleep, but the experience and the learning are from a place of fear and despair, rather than from a place of security and understanding.
Chat to your friends, read up about sleep, and trust your own inner voice. Take a nap when your baby sleeps. Ask for help before you get desperate. Know that this will get better! Good luck!
Author: Dr Tereza Whittaker
Perinatal Psychiatrist
MBChB FCPsych MPhil(IMH)