How to know if advice about your baby is good

As soon as you have a baby, the advice seems to come from absolutely everywhere! Everyone seems to know what you should be doing. Your mum has an opinion, your friends have an opinion, your doctor has an opinion, and then you go onto Facebook or Google and suddenly you have 50 more opinions.

And when it comes to newborn sleep, the questions can feel endless. How long should a newborn sleep? Can a newborn sleep on their tummy? How often should they wake? And what is actually considered safe sleep for a newborn?

Key points:

1. There is a lot of conflicting advice about babies.
   New parents are surrounded by opinions, and not everything presented as fact is necessarily evidence-based or relevant to their individual baby.
2. Every baby is different.
   There is no magic formula, timetable or set of rules that works for every baby, every family, or even the same baby every day.
3. Learn to read your baby's cues.
   Hunger, tiredness, discomfort, overstimulation and the need for connection can all look different from baby to baby. Watching and listening to your baby helps you understand what they are communicating.
4. Responsive care is about responding, not following rules blindly.
   Within important safety boundaries, parents can respond to their baby's individual signals rather than feeling they have to follow a rigid timetable or do what worked for someone else's baby.
5. You are learning together, and you don't have to be perfect.
   Misreading a cue, trying something that doesn't work, or having a difficult day doesn't mean you're failing. Getting to know your baby takes time, and confidence grows as you learn each other.

Not everything you hear is fact

We forget how little healthcare professionals are actually taught about normal infant sleep, breastfeeding, reflux and the many ordinary reasons babies become unsettled. These are incredibly important parts of having a baby, yet they don't always get the attention they deserve during medical, paediatric, midwifery or other health-professional training.

There is a big gap between what we are learning and what actually reaches parents. Research takes time. Sometimes a very long time. Even when new research changes our understanding, it can take years for that information to make its way into everyday practice. So, unfortunately, there is a lot of opinion that gets presented as fact.

The truth is, babies are not all the same. There is no magic formula that works for every baby, every family or even the same baby every day!

So what do you do?

If you are a new parent, you probably just want someone to tell you:

“This is what you need to do and then everything will be okay.”

I completely understand that. But babies don't work like that.

What I’ve learnt as an occupational therapist specialising in newborn sensory development

The first thing I want you to know is that there are very few absolute rules when it comes to understanding your individual baby.

Of course, there are important safety guidelines that we need to take seriously. But within those boundaries, there is room to get to know your baby and to respond to what they are telling you.

And this is where I really want parents to trust themselves a little more. Watch your baby. Listen to them. Get to know their little signals. If you think your baby is hungry, feed them. Even if they fed 30 minutes ago.

You might be right. You might be wrong. And that's okay. Your baby will tell you.

If they aren't hungry, you can try something else.

Responsive cue based care: your baby isn't a rulebook

If your baby is crying while you're trying desperately to get them to sleep, perhaps they aren't actually ready to sleep. Maybe they need a cuddle. Maybe they are uncomfortable. Maybe they are overstimulated. Maybe they need to be fed. Maybe they just need you.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the rules that we stop looking at the baby in front of us.

And your baby is the one who is going to teach you.

This is what we mean by responsive or cue-based care ...noticing what your baby is communicating and responding to them, rather than simply following a timetable or a list of rules.

You will sometimes misread a cue. You will try something that worked yesterday and it won't work today. You will get frustrated. You will wonder if everyone else seems to know what they're doing except you.

What I really want parents to take away from this is that you don't have to follow every piece of advice you are given. Take in the information. Ask questions. Think about whether it makes sense for your baby and your family.

If something doesn't feel right for you, you can leave it. It means you need to stop, look at your baby again and perhaps try something different.

Your job is to get to know your baby: to notice when they are hungry, tired, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, needing connection or simply needing you.

And slowly, as you spend time together, you will start to understand them. You will learn their little sounds, their movements, their expressions and their cues. You will start to know what that particular cry means.